Saturday, August 13, 2005

Since Singapore

Not really sure what to write.
Have been living the dream as my betting fraternity would say.
So with hindsight how was my secondment in Singapore? I have very mixed feelings.

I loved my team - those guys I managed in their day to day roles, I hope I installed a sense of life back into their work weary bodies. Yes that life was accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol which is something you wouldn't get from a Singaporean manager,well rarely anyway.

It was a very good experience, I met a wide range of people, trying to keep clear of the ex-pats that tended to be a bunch of wankers, yes its a sweeping generalisation, but there were only a couple of exceptions I met.

Sometimes you couldn't tell. If you ever go to Singapore you have to go to Orchard Towers it can turn into the Crying Game if you're not careful (so I've been told). But I have to say the women/men I met in my local hawker stand were fantastic, gave me an insight into life on the game that I never would have thought about. Although I didn't partake in any activities, the stories I could recount would make Barbara Cartland blush.
Then you always meet a special someone, we liked eachother from the start, probably because I wasn't wearing any underwear but hey something clicked, the problem being she ended being like my elder sister, & me her elder brother, a platonic love - I just need to remeber to keep in contact.

The band
After a few drunken sorties jamming with my local guitar player I had a devout dedicated following that appreciated the particular skills of a harmonica player - it involves alot of tongue work ladies - & so on my leaving night I jammed along to the best band in Singapore - the Unexpected. Hopefully in a few years time you'll hear alot more of them.

Tokyo - great place to visit (great Sake), don't work there, all I can say (everything else is a secret).

Back in the UK, an immediate thought, what am I doing here, so I fucked off - to Prague. Anyplace that has a top class Jazz band busking is good. Sitting in Wencelas Sq in the old town, watching the world go by you realise how insignificant you are, people had been thinking the exact same thing hundreds of years ago sitting in that same spot.
Prague - beautiful architecture, history, culture & the local people all pluses - stag nights, prostitutes, drug dealers turn it into any major city, but I guess thats what gives it its edge.

So back in Bournemouth - Summertime, & the living is easy - its good to be back.

No doubt I've bored you enough already, hope to set up a website in the near future for photos of my travels & more importantly a horse racing tipster service, will keep you informed.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Just something that made me laugh out loud & caused stares from my more serious colleagues.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Star Wars Cantina Song

I know its sad but have been humming this in the office the last couple of days since I received it. Needless to say everyone is wondering what I'm so happy about. Just hope it puts asmile on your face as it did mine.

The Star Wars CantinaSung to the tune of "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow

Her name was Leia, she was a princess,
with a danish on each ear, and Darth Vader drawing near.
So Artoo Detoo, found Ben Kenobi.
He'd have to put the Death Star plans,
into the Rebellion's hands.
So Luke and Obi-Wan,had to get to Alderaan,
so they stopped into Mos Eisley, to have a drink with Han...

At the Star Wars, [Star Wars!], Star Wars Cantina, [Star Wars Cantina]
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a!
[Here, at the] Star Wars, [Star!],
{Star Wars Cantina,Music, and blasters, and old Jedi Masters, at the Star Wars!...}

His name was Solo , he was a pilot
With a blaster at his side , and a smile twelve parsecs wide,
there with Chewbacca, he was a Wookee.
They met with Luke and Obi-Wan, about the Millenium Falcon.
Docking Bay Ninety-four, Stormtroopers at the door.
With a flash of Ben's lightsaber,
now there's an arm, on the floor...

At the Star Wars, [Star Wars!], Star Wars Cantina, [Star Wars Cantina]
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a!
[Here, at the] Star Wars, [Star!],
{Star Wars Cantina,Music, and blasters, and old Jedi Masters, at the Star Wars!...}

His name was Yoda, he was a muppet.
Darth Vader was so bad, and by the way he's Luke's dad.
Luke kissed his sister; his hand got cut off.
In that galaxy far, far away, Luke has had a lousy day.
Boba Fett was so mean, Jabba had bad hygiene.
Why didn't they all just relax,
back on Tatooine...

At the Star Wars, [Star Wars!], Star Wars Cantina, [Star Wars Cantina]
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a!
[Here, at the] Star Wars, [Star!],
{Star Wars Cantina,Music, and blasters, and old Jedi Masters, at the Star Wars!...}

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Americans - a constant source of entertainment

Why am I always drunk or half-cut when I write these blogs? I have no answer unless I feel in my sub-concience that its where I'm the most lucid, but then it brings up the question how would I know that if its in my sub-conscience. My heads starting to hurt so I'll digress.

Apologies to my American readership but I heard a story which emphasises the stereotypical US stupidity, & yes you do have a lot to account for.

I met a fella tonight who is involved in consultation to the defence industry. He recently went to Nevada where there is a F-15 base on 24hr ready alert in case of nuclear attack.
"Yeah this is the hanger where we can launch our fighters within 10 minutes to fly to those countries that threaten our freedom"
"Very good colonel, I see you have a pilot in the cockpit (chewing gum) is that so you can minimise the response time?"
"Well yes Sir this particulat aircraft is on alert & will launch within 4 minutes"
"So he will launch within the hanger?"
"Yes sir, to avoid the enemy spotting our planes launching until its too late"
"Have you tested this scenario Colonel?"
"No Sir, we would not want to give our enemy prior notice of our response times to a threat to our country Sir, it has been tested on computer models Sir, & our response times have been found to be the best in the force Sir"
"Can I ask you a question colonel?"
"Of course Sir"
"Wouldn't the afterburners, when fired up in the hanger, cause the surrounding munitions to destroy the aircraft & most of the airbase?"

Needless to say, thats one of the reasons that America employs outside security forces to audit its own security environment. (Yes they do)

I remember the first time I met a member of the American forces, the conversation went a little like this -
"So you're from England, how quaint" - American
"No from Scotland, it is a different country you know, only combined by an oppressive act of parliament created in the 18th Century, & we are too lazy to reverse it" - Me
"Sounds interesting, I have a friend in England, his names Bob, got a car, do you know him?" - American
"Yes I do, a raving homosexual, only wanted to join the forces so he can get close to other like minded individuals & share the soap" - Me
"Are you a commie?"

At which point I had to drag myself away in case I hurt myself with laughing too much.

I would like to say that this sort of thing is in the minority, but any country that elects George Dubwa has to take responsibilty.
Education people, education!!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Big bottom, big bottom, talk about bum cakes, my gal's got 'em

What else can I say but Spinal Tap are fantastic, & for those of you that haven't seen the film, shame on you.
I walked into a pub tonight after my slaving at work to hear that song playing, happy days, anywhere that plays that music is the place I want to be after 11 hours of financial drudgery.
The place is called the Crazy Elephant on Clarke Quay, not sure why, no elephants about, not sure about the crazy bit either except for the Scotsman in the corner getting more enamored with the music & the short skirts of the barmaids whilst knocking back a few ales.

So whilst I was relaxing jotting a few notes down on the work I need to do this weekend - yes it is true, no rest for the wicked - I get a call from my UK office, just as the band were starting to play all along the watchtower, bad timing I know.
I have to say it was a wee bit scary, I actually liked it. Christ I need a break, I'm starting to enjoy my work.
So after my brief interruption I returned to my drunken enamored state looking for marks to sell the CDs of the band to, was quite sucessful, why are tourists so willing to part with their money?
One gripe I have about the place is the urinals. I know its hot but why have a fanblowing across your path, the phrase pissing in the wind comes to mind. Needless to say the more you drink, the more you need to be aware, when you pass water, it is a fine art.
I thought I did OK only splashing against the guy next to me, glad to say he didn't notice, he was too busy getting into a fight with the guy he splashed two urinals down.

To you gamblers out there, come to Singapore, the McDonalds have wireless internet access!! its refreshing to see the odds from ladbrokes/betfair on their screens as I order my quarterpounder with cheese. Only in a place where it is illegal to have bookies you have everyone gambling through the net in McDonalds, old Ronald isn't just a smiling fucker.

Have a good weekend kids & remember
if you like it do it,
if you don't like it do it, you might like it

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Still in one piece

Nothing much has happened since my last blog.
Still working, still drinking, still playing pool.

One thing of interest happened at the weekend, when I turned up at my local on Friday night, there was a five foot Phillipino guitarist jamming. One look at the guy & I laughed I almost hurt myself, not because he was a short Phillipino guitarist, but because he was playing delta blues. He did Robert Johnson proud, even if he didn't look like a blues man.
Never thought I'd be listening to a hell hound on my trail in the middle of Singapore.
What could I do, but pick up my harmonica & join in. The good thing about playing blues is that the more you drink the better it sounds, or perhaps you get too drunk to care how it sounds.
A good time was had by all, especially by me, didn't put my hand in my pocket all night, for a Scotsman thats a very good night.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Work or Play?

What have I done today? Worked my arse off for one.
Did I go back to my fully loaded apartment with swimming pool & jacuzzi laid on? Not right away
Did I go out & have a meal in a fancy restaurant (which I could afford)? No
Did I do work in preparation for the presentation I have to give tomorrow morning to a number of people that hold my nuts (& my career as well) in their hands? No

Instead I had one of the most liberating evenings of my life, saying this half cut just past 12 at night. Walking home i decided in my sweat filled attire to stop off at a local hostelry that served beverages of an alcoholic nature, purely for one I may add. Needless to say after several hours later & several pints later I was crowned the undisputed king of the pool table. I have a feeling they will bring in ringers for my next visit.
I had to ask, how come a drunk Scotsman could beat all comers, for a country where pool is a televised sport & everyone plays it?
Were they as drunk as me - not all of them, was I lucky - yes. Needless to say I'm reveared as a hero in that small neck of the Singaporean woods. Do I care about my presentation tomorrow? No, not yet anyway. No doubt I'll wake up in the morning & suffer a mild heart seizure when I discover I will have to wing it, in that mild panic I hope I realise how I got my job in the first place.
To all you kids out there, it may be a something different from what you've been told but qualifications mean about as much as the paper its written on, the most important qualification you have when you are 23+ is being able to drive!!
If you can enjoy your life & deal with every obstacle it throws at you then you are half the way there - apologies I sound like a therapist, but hey I am drunk.

Everyone should have a copy of Rudyard Kipling's IF
Everyone should read Voltaire's CANDIDE
Everyone should read Tolstoy's WAR & PEACE
Everyone should walk BAREFOOT ON THE BEACH as the sun is rising
Everyone should watch DEBBIE DOES DALLAS
Everyone should wake up in the morning with a HANGOVER - it puts everything else in perspective
Everyone should buy FLOWERS ONCE A WEEK, either for themselves, their loved ones or a stranger - it always surprises you how much an unexpected smile can warm your heart
Everyone should DRINK WHISKY with a drop of water, it brings out the flavour, no ice it shocks it, trust me I'm a Scotsman.

If you do/have then I'm sure I have an affinity with you, & would no doubt enjoy a drink with you.

Remeber to enjoy yourselves.